Overthinking about children

How Parental Anxiety Affects Children and Strategies to Manage It

Seeing a parent experience anxiety can be more than just momentarily unsettling for children. Kids often look to their parents for guidance on how to interpret uncertain or stressful situations, and if a parent consistently appears anxious or fearful, the child may begin to see many situations as unsafe. Research shows that children of anxious parents are more likely to develop anxiety themselves, likely due to a combination of genetic factors and learned behaviors.

It can be difficult to accept that, despite your best intentions, your own anxiety might be impacting your child. However, if you notice signs of anxiety in your child, it's crucial not to dwell on guilt. "There’s no need to punish yourself," explains Jamie Howard, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "It’s really tough to deal with anxiety, and it's not easy to just turn it off."

The good news is that passing anxiety on to your child isn't inevitable. The next step is to use strategies that can help prevent this from happening. Managing your own anxiety and teaching your child to manage theirs is key.

Managing Stress Through Mindfulness

It can be hard to maintain a sense of calm when you’re struggling with your own anxiety. Anxiety often leads to worrying about potential future scenarios, filled with “what ifs.” Mindfulness, which focuses on the present moment, can help you stay grounded and prevent spiraling thoughts. Here are two simple mindfulness techniques to try:

Squeeze Muscles: Start from your toes and tighten each muscle one by one for five seconds, then release and notice how your body feels. Move up your body, repeating the exercise.

Belly Breathing: Breathe slowly into your belly, feeling it expand like a balloon, and then exhale slowly, feeling it deflate.

While it’s beneficial to practice mindfulness in the moment, it’s even more effective when practiced regularly. Over time, it can help you feel calmer and allow you to use these techniques more efficiently when you need them most.

Identifying Your Triggers

Being aware of what triggers your anxiety is crucial. While anxiety is sometimes unavoidable, we can make it worse by focusing on it too much. For example, if you tend to jump to worst-case scenarios when feeling unwell, using websites like WebMD can heighten your anxiety. Similarly, if the news or social media stresses you out, limiting your exposure can help. Setting boundaries around these triggers is important.

If your anxiety is severe and techniques like mindfulness aren't enough, consulting a mental health professional can provide personalized strategies for stress management. As you work on coping with your anxiety, you'll model stress tolerance for your child, who learns from your behavior how to deal with uncertainty.

Teaching Stress Tolerance

Once you’ve learned strategies that help manage your stress, you can teach them to your child. If you're practicing rational thinking in times of stress, share those same skills with your child. For instance, if your child is anxious, you might say, "I know you're scared, but what are the chances something bad will actually happen?"

It’s also important to keep a calm, neutral demeanor in front of your child, even while managing your anxiety. Dr. Howard emphasizes being aware of your facial expressions, words, and emotional intensity since kids pick up on these cues. They’re observant and sensitive to your emotions.

Explaining Your Anxiety

While you don’t want to expose your child to every anxious moment, it's okay — and healthy — for them to see you cope with stress. However, it's important to explain why you reacted the way you did. For instance, if you got frustrated when rushing your child to school, take a moment afterward to explain: "Remember how frustrated I was this morning? I was feeling anxious because we were running late, and I handled it by raising my voice. But there are better ways we can deal with this in the future."

Explaining your anxiety in this way shows children that stress is a normal part of life and that it can be managed. Dr. Kirmayer highlights that children need to see their parents managing stress so they can learn to do the same. 

Creating a Plan

Having a plan for handling specific anxiety-triggering situations can help. You might even involve your child in creating this plan. For example, if bedtime creates anxiety, collaborate with your child on strategies to make it smoother, such as earning points toward a reward for following the evening routine without protest.

While you shouldn't burden your child with managing your anxiety, showing them that you have strategies to handle stress will teach them that stress is manageable.

Know When to Disengage

If a situation causes you too much anxiety, consider stepping away to prevent your child from picking up on it. For example, if school drop-offs trigger anxiety, ask a co-parent or another trusted adult to take on that responsibility while you work on your own anxiety. Dr. Howard advises against showing anxiety during separation times, as you don’t want your child to associate school drop-offs with danger or fear.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety around your child, it’s important to take a break. Danielle Veith, a mom who blogs about her experiences with anxiety, shares her strategy: "I keep a list of immediate stress-relieving activities, like going for a walk, drinking tea, or taking a bath. It’s about trusting that the anxiety will pass and getting through it."

Finding Support

Parenting while managing your own mental health can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Support is available through online communities, therapy, and friends or family. Veith suggests being open with friends about your struggles so you can ask for help when needed. "I have a support network of friends, and I’m honest with them because I need to call on them when I feel overwhelmed."

Parenting through anxiety requires understanding, patience, and support, but with the right tools, you can help both yourself and your child navigate anxiety in healthier ways.