Children's Evolving Friendship Needs and Skills
As children grow, their understanding of friendship and the skills required to build and maintain friendships evolve. There are five key stages that children typically go through in learning how to make and sustain friendships.
At Kids First, our Child Psychologists often use Robert Selman’s 5-step framework to help families understand the developmental trends in children’s friendships. This framework offers useful insights into what is considered typical or atypical in children’s social development, and we believe it can be beneficial for parents as well.
STAGE 1: Momentary Playmates (Ages: 3-7 years)
At this stage, children view their friends as playmates with whom they share fun and simple activities. Friendships are often based on convenience, with children connecting with those nearby and who enjoy the same activities. Children at this stage struggle to understand other people's perspectives and assume everyone thinks like they do. If a friend has a different opinion or interest, they may get upset, often saying things like, "She doesn’t want to be my friend anymore" when their playmate chooses to do something different.
STAGE 2: One-Way Assistance (Ages: 4-9 years)
In this stage, children begin to understand that friendship goes beyond shared activities, though they still think in practical terms. They define friendship as receiving nice things from others, such as treats, gifts, or special favors, but they don't yet consider what they offer in return. These children care deeply about having friends and might even tolerate less-than-kind friends to avoid being alone. They may also use friendship as a bargaining chip, saying things like, “I’ll be your friend if you do this” or “I won’t be your friend if you do that.”
STAGE 3: Two-Way, Fair Weather Cooperation (Ages: 6-12 years)
At this stage, children can consider both their own and their friend’s perspectives, although they may not fully understand how these perspectives interact in ongoing relationships. They focus a lot on fairness and reciprocity but tend to think in a rigid way, expecting their friend to return a favor right away. If that doesn’t happen, the friendship might break down. Children in this stage are also more judgmental and concerned about fitting in with their peers, often forming exclusive groups based on shared interests or activities, like “secret clubs.” Setting and negotiating rules within these groups is an important part of learning social dynamics, though some children may struggle with cooperative relationship skills, leading to dominance or exclusion within friendship groups.
STAGE 4: Intimate, Mutually Shared Relationships (Ages: 11-15 years)
At this stage, friendships deepen as children confide in each other, share personal thoughts and feelings, and help one another solve problems. They understand how to compromise and do kind things for each other without keeping score, driven by a genuine care for each other’s happiness. For some children, this is also a time of intense closeness, often referred to as the “Joined at the Hip” stage, where best friends expect to spend all their time together. Girls, in particular, may experience this stage more strongly, and they may feel deeply hurt if their best friend chooses to spend time with someone else.
STAGE 5: Mature Friendship (Ages: Adolescence to adulthood)
At this final stage, children place great value on emotional closeness with friends and can appreciate differences between themselves and others. As friendships mature, they become less possessive, and young people are more comfortable with their friends having other relationships. Mature friendships are built on trust and support, and these friendships endure over time, even through periods of separation.
Understanding Friendship Stages and Your Child’s Development
Friendship skills take time to develop, and children progress through these stages at their own pace. Some children may take longer to connect with like-minded peers, but understanding these stages can help you recognize where your child is in their social development.
If you’re concerned that your child’s friendship and social skills aren’t developing appropriately for their age, it may be helpful to seek advice and support from your child’s teachers or a Child Psychologist. These professionals can offer practical strategies to support your child in building the connections that are crucial for their confidence and self-esteem.
Does Your Child Struggle with Making and Keeping Friends?
If your child is facing challenges in forming or maintaining friendships, Kids First’s Child Psychologists, based in Sydney’s northern beaches, specialize in helping children overcome social difficulties. We also offer our popular Social Stars and Social Detectives programs, which help children aged 5-9 develop friendship and social skills. These groups are also available to NDIS-funded children and run every term.
