An individual's emotional or psychological age often shows through their emotional reactions and behavior patterns. Emotional immaturity can be evident through behaviors such as emotional outbursts, blaming others, lying, and name-calling. Those with emotional immaturity may also exhibit poor impulse control, crave attention, or engage in bullying.
Identifying Emotional Childishness in Adults: As a therapist working with couples, I’ve observed that clients can seem "mature" when seen individually. However, in a couples therapy setting, where partners interact with each other, a lot more becomes clear. The behaviors that are immature, mistaken, or even pathological become highly visible, allowing me to see whether a partner's actions are hurtful, disrespectful, or even dangerously childish—or whether they are calm, respectful, and demonstrate emotional maturity.
Understanding Emotional Age: A psychologist from Africa once shared that in his country, people are assessed based on both physical and emotional age. Physical age is determined by the number of birthdays, often reflecting a person's growth in size, strength, and cognitive ability. Emotional age, however, is seen in how people react emotionally. For example, adults tend to stay calm, while children are more likely to react impulsively with anger. Adults exercise caution and judgment in conversations, whereas children often say whatever comes to mind, sometimes without thinking of the impact.
Recognizing Childish Behavior in Adults: To understand how emotionally immature adults behave, think about the children in your life. How do they act compared to mature adults? Before reading my list of signs, you might want to reflect on the traits you notice and share your thoughts in the comments.
10 Signs of Emotional Childishness: How many of these signs are present in the person you’re thinking of?
Emotional Escalations: Like children, emotionally immature adults may lash out with anger, crying, or pouting.
Blaming: Instead of addressing problems, immature adults tend to look for someone to blame.
Lies: They might lie to avoid discomfort, rather than confronting reality.
Name-Calling: Instead of discussing issues respectfully, they may resort to hurtful labels.
Impulsivity (Poor Impulse Control): They might act rashly, speak recklessly, or interrupt without thinking of the consequences.
Need to Be the Center of Attention: Much like a child who disrupts a conversation, emotionally immature adults might crave constant attention.
Bullying: They might try to dominate others, taking things that aren’t theirs or being disrespectful in ways that mirror childlike behavior.
Budding Narcissism: If a person gets what they want because of their power, they might believe the rules don't apply to them. This narcissistic behavior often hides deeper emotional weakness.
Immature Defenses: They may react defensively, denying mistakes or attacking others, much like children who resort to denial or offense when faced with a threat.
Lack of Observing Ego: Emotionally immature adults fail to recognize when their behavior is inappropriate.
How to Respond to Childish Behaviors in Adults: Loving and caring for a person who shows childlike behaviors can be challenging. However, it’s important to remember that these behaviors often emerge when the individual feels threatened.
Focus on the Adult Aspects: If you love someone with childish traits, try to focus on their more mature, positive qualities. If you're the one exhibiting childish behavior, recognize your strengths while working to improve in areas of emotional immaturity.
Accept the Behavior: Stop being surprised when childish behaviors arise. Acknowledge that they exist, which is the first step toward change.
Shift Your Focus: If you are on the receiving end of childish behavior, focus on your own growth rather than trying to change the other person. Your task is to continue evolving, not to fix others.
If you are emotionally mature, maintaining a clear understanding of what "grown-up" behavior looks like will help you navigate interactions with emotionally immature individuals.
Here are some practical ways to address childish behavior and support your child in developing more mature emotional and social skills:
1. Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries
Children need to know what is expected of them. Clear rules and consistent consequences help them understand what is acceptable behavior.
- Explain the rules: Use simple, clear language to explain your expectations for behavior. For example, "We use polite words like 'please' and 'thank you' in our house."
- Be consistent: Consistency is key when addressing behavior. If you set rules but don’t enforce them consistently, it can confuse the child. Always follow through with consequences for inappropriate behavior.
2. Teach Emotional Regulation
Children may act "childish" when they are overwhelmed by emotions they don't know how to control. Helping them regulate their emotions can reduce some of these behaviors.
- Identify feelings: Help your child recognize and label their emotions (e.g., "You look upset," or "I can see you’re feeling frustrated"). This gives them a vocabulary for their emotions.
- Teach coping strategies: Show your child how to calm down when they’re upset, such as taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or using words to express their feelings ("I’m upset because...").
- Use timeout or calm-down corners: Instead of punishment, create a calm-down space where your child can go to take a break when they’re feeling overwhelmed or acting impulsively.
3. Model the Behavior You Want to See
Children learn a lot by observing the adults around them. Model appropriate, mature behavior for your child so they can mimic it.
- Stay calm in difficult situations: When faced with a challenging or frustrating situation, demonstrate how to stay calm and solve the problem rationally.
- Use respectful communication: Show your child how to speak politely, express themselves respectfully, and listen actively to others. For example, if you need to ask for something, model saying “please” and “thank you.”
4. Encourage Responsibility and Accountability
Teaching your child to take responsibility for their actions helps them grow out of childish behavior and understand the consequences of their actions.
- Give age-appropriate chores: Encourage your child to take on small tasks, like cleaning their room, setting the table, or feeding a pet. This fosters a sense of responsibility.
- Acknowledge mistakes: When your child makes a mistake, guide them through it rather than getting angry or upset. Teach them how to fix it or apologize. For instance, if they break something accidentally, help them clean up and discuss what they could do differently next time.
- Teach cause and effect: Help your child understand the natural consequences of their actions. If they throw a tantrum, they may not get what they want; if they share, they may receive kindness in return.
5. Use Positive Reinforcement
Encourage more mature behavior by recognizing and praising when your child behaves appropriately.
- Praise effort and maturity: When your child handles a situation calmly or makes good decisions, offer positive reinforcement. "I really liked how you waited patiently for your turn to speak."
- Reward good behavior: Offer small rewards or privileges when your child shows improvement in their behavior. This could be extra playtime, choosing a family activity, or a sticker chart.
6. Encourage Empathy and Social Skills
Teaching your child to consider the feelings of others helps them develop maturity and reduce self-centered, childish behavior.
- Discuss how others feel: Help your child understand how their actions impact others. For example, "How do you think your friend feels when you take their toy without asking?"
- Model empathy: Show empathy towards your child and others in front of them. For instance, if a friend is upset, demonstrate how to comfort them: “Let’s ask if they’re okay and offer to play with them.”
- Teach sharing and turn-taking: Encourage cooperative play and teach them how to share and take turns with their friends and siblings.
7. Promote Problem-Solving Skills
Encourage your child to think critically about situations and come up with their own solutions. This helps them feel empowered and encourages them to take ownership of their behavior.
- Guide them through decision-making: When your child faces a problem, ask guiding questions: “What do you think would happen if you did that?” or “What is another way to handle this?”
- Let them solve small problems: Give them opportunities to handle minor issues themselves, like choosing what to wear or deciding how to organize their toys.
8. Allow Room for Growth
Understand that childish behavior is part of the learning process, and it’s important to give your child room to grow and develop.
- Be patient: Recognize that change takes time. A child who acts immaturely will eventually learn how to behave more maturely with patience and guidance.
- Provide appropriate expectations: Tailor your expectations to your child’s age and developmental level. What may seem "childish" at one age is often typical behavior, so adjusting expectations can help you manage your response.
9. Limit Over-Indulgence
Sometimes, children act immaturely because they haven’t learned to manage their desires or the things they have access to. Setting boundaries around indulgence helps teach them delayed gratification and respect for limits.
- Set limits on screen time: Too much screen time can lead to more impulsive and childish behavior. Set clear rules about how much time your child can spend on devices.
- Teach delayed gratification: Help your child understand that some things are worth waiting for. For example, “You can have dessert after finishing your vegetables.”
10. Be Supportive and Compassionate
Sometimes, children act out because they are seeking attention or struggling with underlying issues. Be compassionate and try to understand what might be contributing to the behavior.
- Provide emotional support: Offer comfort and reassurance when your child is feeling upset. Sometimes children act childish because they’re feeling insecure, tired, or overwhelmed.
- Look for triggers: If your child consistently acts in a childish manner, try to observe patterns. Is there a particular situation that triggers this behavior? Are they tired, hungry, or stressed about something at school?
11. Avoid Negative Labeling
Calling a child “childish” or labeling them as immature can undermine their self-esteem. Instead, focus on the behavior and how it can be improved.
- Use positive language: Instead of saying, "You're being childish," try saying, "I think you're feeling frustrated, but it’s important to express that in a calm way."
- Focus on solutions: Rather than criticizing the behavior, focus on how to address it. Encourage your child to find ways to handle their emotions or actions in a better way.
